Honest Motherhood with Kristine McGlinchey
The Jordan Lang Podcast: Episode 07
Welcome to Episode 7 of the Jordan Lang Podcast! We are continuing Season 1’s theme of emotional and mental wellness with today’s episode which is a conversation on Honest Motherhood with Kristine McGlinchey.
Kristine McGlinchey-Yap is an author, conscious communicator and intuitive guide. With over a decade of experience in corporate communications, she has transitioned her leadership skills into providing women with guidance to trust themselves in business and in motherhood so that they can lead purposeful lives. Kristine’s intuitive readings, branding sessions, and mentorship programs guide women to their path and purpose through spirituality, strategy and energetic healings.
Her free community, OM Mommas, is dedicated to intentional motherhood and through vulnerability and mindset she encourages women to tune in to their intuition so that they can feel confident, empowered and make choices that align with their mind, body and spirit. Her first book “Momtras: Mantras For Mindful Moms” is available on Amazon.
Introduction
Kristine shares that she is a specialist in communications and works with women on their brand vision and messaging. She also helps women trust themselves in business an motherhood and has a dedicated community to mindful mothers. She also has a podcast. Kristine has a passion for remembering our strength and power as women and coming together to have our womanhood and motherhood coexist in harmony.
Before we started recording, I shared with Kristine that the one aspect I felt was missing from Season 1 was that of motherhood and mental health. I am so excited to have this conversation and share it with you!
Q: What has your motherhood journey looked like up to this point?
Kristine’s daughter is 2 and she acknowledges that it’s a rollercoaster for everyone. Every woman goes through their own awakening and transformation, but it changes you. Motherhood splits you open as a person. In pregnancy, you create that space and begin seeing that transformation - your priorities, boundaries, what are you calling in as you prepare to give birth. For Kristine, that was preparation. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she made the decision to leave her corporate job because it wasn’t sustainable to the lifestyle that she wanted as a present and conscious mother. During pregnancy, she made steps to build her business, then once her maternity leave was up, she left her corporate job.
A lot that happens during that time of pregnancy and postpartum; not only are we the most vulnerable, but it’s a lot of mindset work and looking at the whole aspect of mental health. We get so caught up in the excitement of the baby that we’re not looking at the emotional or psychological impact of having a baby. There are so many phases of loss, isolation, and grief. You really do grieve who you were before.
Motherhood is really allowing the full spectrum of emotions and really feeling them, not bypassing them at any level or stage. - Kristine McGlinchey
I really resonate with that myself. I’ve been a mom almost 13 years (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?? hehe), but I feel like I did bypass a lot of those feelings and emotions. I became pregnant with my oldest at age 22 and there’s this grief that I’m still processing and trying to work through. I lost my 20s. I wouldn’t change it for the world and I’ve have learned so much, especially in the last 2-3 years….but at the same time, I do grieve that I didn’t have those life-lesson experiences without children in my 20s. I had to grow up very quickly and I bypassed a lot of those emotions. Now they're coming back up and I’ve been able to learn and grow from them and have been able to connect with so many other women who are on the same journey. I’ve just been giving myself permission to grieve and be honest. So I love that Kristine shared that about motherhood not bypassing those emotions and feeling them fully and that it’s good to do it.
Kristine says that it’s necessary, because that’s how trauma gets passed down. It’s so important to really accept where you are. A lot of mothers don’t think it’s okay to feel a certain way and there’s so much pressure to show up as the perfect mom - from family, society, ourselves - mom guilt and shame are real. But we have to realize we’re people before we’re moms. Both can coexist equally. A lot of women in the community have been struggling with finding that balance and identity right now. Lots of people are transforming and changing their roles. People are more self-aware now and it can be hard for women to step into that. Women have been suppressed and oppressed throughout the ages, and so it’s hard for us to lean into that space without feel like we have the permission to do so.
Q:What was one of the biggest struggles you experienced/are experiencing that you didn’t feel you were prepared for?
Kristine shares that she wasn’t prepared for the mindset things that were occurring postpartum and says that she doesn’t think anyone is prepared for postpartum and what you’re experiencing. She says that she had postpartum anxiety where her thoughts were debilitating. As typically being a very positive person who can overcome challenges, Kristine says that she just felt so defeated by motherhood in the early stages. It took 5 months to work through it. It’s something that people aren’t talking about: shame, isolation factor, crying for no reason. Thoughts like, “OMG, I suck. I’m a terrible mother.”
You’re the best mom and you’re not doing anything wrong! It’s just so ingrained within our hormones and the concept of everything just feel like you’re not enough. This is what stemmed the creation of her book, Momtras. She said that she thought she couldn’t be the only one going through it and she wrote it in an act of healing adding in all the reminders she needed for herself to empower herself to come into that place: you’re not your thoughts, this is a phase, it’s totally normal. ALL moms have these thoughts. It’s a lot of responsibility caring for and having a child. When we think about all the pressure, it’s totally normal to have that reaction that you’re not good enough. You’re already thinking your failing because no one’s telling you that you’re doing a good job.
So mindset stuff really throwing Kristine for a loop. She says that she did battle depression in earlier teens and 20s, but things that you think you work through and you overcome suddenly rise to the surface over again. Things she didn’t really process were coming to the surface as she was a mother. So mindset work is so important within our journey. Reminding ourselves how powerful and capable we are as women.
I absolutely agree, and think having a good support system is so vital for moms especially now. I was talking to my husband the other day because I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed…my girls had just finished virtual schooling, I have my 4 yr old here, I’m working, doing all the things. I was just saying to him it’s impossible to be a mom in the times that we’re living because there’s so many expectations put on us, so many people judging which is bullshit. It feels impossible to be a mom.
And I feel like that at so many different stages of motherhood - pregnant, as new mom, with toddlers, and now with an almost teenage - this is impossible to do all the things at all the different stages. That mindset piece is so important all throughout this journey of motherhood. Beginning to become mindful of it, even in the pre-pregnancy stage where you may just thinking about having a baby, it’s so important to start now so that it’s just part of your everyday life as you move through motherhood.
Kristine agrees as well. She’s only on the toddler phase now but things come up all the time. As your child is growing, you’re growing alongside them, so there’s always these lessons and shifts. That’s such a beautiful part of motherhood because it allows us to see and have that reflection, but can be hard. If you’re not the type that leans into it, you don’t want to experience that discomfort. It’s a natural process of self-awareness and self discovery that we take. It would be so powerful if more women were aware of that and we held each others’ hand and told one another it’s okay and it’s a part of it. But unfortunately, people automatically think there’s something wrong with them. We’re so hard on ourselves.
Q: Do you feel like that's a good bit of what comes up in the group? Women asking what's wrong with themselves?
[I’m all for normalizing normalize motherhood being hard and it being okay that it’s hard!!]
Kristine says that she just launched the community a month ago. There are currently 30 members, and it’s a process getting people to share their stories. There’s still fear of judgment and wondering if people think they’re a bad person. So she’s in the process of cultivating the space and shares that people will private message or email her, but don’t want to share in a large group.
Life is messy. Motherhood is messy. You’re not expected to be perfect, and that’s a huge thing. Women are expected that we have to be perfect. We get to destigmatize all these motherhood mindsets that we’ve programmed within us from society:
Mothers have to be selfless…
Mothers have to be perfect…
Mothers have to say yes…
NO. We don’t always have to be doing things for our kids. There’s this shift that’s happening for gender roles where more dads are stepping up, more partners are being present, and we’re asking for help more. Normalizing those things of asking for help, becoming more aware of your situation and environment. Setting boundaries and priorities are really what’s needed to be a “successful mom.” It’s not saying yes all the time, it’s not showing up to be perfect - that sets an impossible standard for our children to obtain. Many studies on psychological effects of perfection on children; they’ll feel like they're not good enough. Have to show all the levels of the human experience. What’s needed for our children to become emotionally intelligent, confident, strong, and be able to take are of their own kids.
It’s okay and good to have those conversations where we say “today sucked and my kid was an asshole.” It’s OKAY!
”You’re going through your individual journey, and your kids are going through theirs. It’s about finding that balance and having it coexist. - Kristine McGlinchey
There are SO many good nuggets out of what Kristine shared! I do think it’s important to cultivate these safe spaces for moms. I personally grew up in conservative, evangelical home. My mom did work outside of the home which wasn’t common, but I was still taught a woman’s role is to grow up, get married, have babies, and take care of the home. Sure you can have a career…but you’re a mom first. I was also taught that self care IS selfish.
So now, decades later, I’m reversing all of these different things in the midst of motherhood. I’m in the place now where I’m teaching my children it’s okay to take time for yourself, and you don’t have to say yes to everything. Especially in the last year with COVID and having to be in mom-mode 24/7 with little opportunity to turn it off. Having boundaries is vital. I haven’t always been the greatest with it either. There was a period of time where I cried everyday for about 4 months because it was just hard.
Being able to have those conversations and saying, “have any other moms felt that way?” in safe spaces is incredibly important. Yet, there is still that judgment. Where when people say “motherhood was hard today,” you get those responses back of “if you’re just going to complain, why did you have kids?” Like, are you serious? [that’s a different topic for a different day!]
It’s taking away that layer of perfection of everything having to be perfect and allowing ourselves to be imperfect, giving ourselves grace. Doing so allows our kids to be set up for that same type of scenario which is what’s needed.
Q: How do you regularly support your mental health and show up for yourself as a mom?
Kristine says that she’s always been the type of person who enjoys quiet time and space. That’s where her creativity is cultivated. With motherhood it’s hard to find those pockets of time so you have to give intention with planning and carving out. She says that she’s actually going to be teaching a workshop on this because so many women have had challenges and have expressed wanting support there. Kristine herself went through it took. She started with creating the boundary of what’s negotiable and nonnegotiable, and asking herself: What do I need as an individual to show up for myself and feel supported? Having those conversations with yourself and your partner/family is important, and then following through with making sure you’re getting that.
With her mental health, Kristine shares that she realizes she wasn’t prioritizing her alone time. Even if it’s just 15 mins of solid alone time to journal, or just think uninterrupted. It was having a huge affect on her. She was forcing herself because of mom guilt to constantly be around the baby. She says that it was having a huge impact on her mental health because she was depleted, burnt out, resentful…but she had no one to blame but herself. Everyone was giving her that space, but she wasn't taking it because she felt “guilty.”
She says that when she doesn’t take that time for herself, she becomes cranky, moody, resentful, and then begins putting that on her partner and the energy onto the baby as well. She realized that she’s not serving any of them because she’s not doing what was in alignment for herself.
“We have to realize that as mothers, we set the standard, and our energy impacts everyone around us. So when we’re not getting what we need to feel good, valued and supported, that translates into everyone and impacts the the whole family dynamic.” - Kristine McGlinchey
All became mom won't take 15 mins to go to the room and journal. It’s ridiculous. We could avoid these things if we were just honest to ourselves. We lie to ourselves. We need to stop lying to ourselves.
Kristine says that she’s learned to stop lying and to tell herself, “if I don’t feel like it today, I don’t feel like it today,” and she tells her partner the same. We all have to be our authentic selves. Yes there will be times where you have no choice, but you know you’re flexible and compassionate with yourself. If’s making that space and being super intentional with your planning and time, and being honest with yourself on what you need.
Whatever that is for you, do it! Some need to run or have another type of movement or exercise; maybe you need a coffee date; maybe you need to see a therapist. That level of awareness is important and we need to start being more intentional and having that conversation with our partners. We’re often so scared to ask for what we need, but we wouldn't hesitate if that was our partner. We would make it work for someone else; we need to start making it work for us and that’s really where it begins. So start with getting intentional and being honest for what you need, and then asking for it.
A big YES to all that Kristine shares!! I was taught growing up that if I have to ask for help, I don’t need their help. Which is such a toxic mindset, right.?? So I’ve been trying to prioritize asking for help. My husband has Autism so he doesn’t recognize body language or those “unspoken things” that we may do to indicate that we need help; so if I don’t say, “I need help with x, y, z...” he’s not going to pick up on it. He literally won’t know. But he’s said, “if you need help, just ask me and I’ll do it.” It’s such a process of releasing ego and acknowledging that if I need help, he’s already said he’ll help me. I can ask. So really, when you look at it, you’re the one holding yourself back. If you have the help and the space, take it!
It’s not easy shifting into being able to do that and asking for help if you’re not used to doing so. It could be starting with baby steps: taking the 15 mins, then take 30, then an hour, then whatever that next step might be. I was speaking with my friend Lauren Barber recently about how when I’m in a bad mood, EVERYONE’S in a bad mood. So prioritizing that time to do things that light us up and fill us back up, it’s the best thing for everyone. Prioritizing our mental health IS so important for the whole family dynamic, and it makes a ripple effect on the collective. If we’re focusing on ourselves and making ourselves the best versions of us we can be and loving ourselves as we are on that healing journey, it’s going to create that ripple effect on everyone.
Kristine agrees and shares that it teaches our children, and sets the example that you get to be honest and speak up about your feelings and what you need. It opens that dialogue and makes everyone feel supported, heard and seen. You don’t feel scared to have to ask something because you're afraid of rejection, or the fear aspect of things too.
Q: If you could give some advice to someone listening in right now who may be struggling and feeling like they’re failing as a mother, what would it be?
Kristine speaks to this woman and says she would tell her to remember that she’s capable of so much more than she gives herself credit for and she’s already doing an amazing job. When you think you’re failing, it’s actually a key indicator that you’re doing something really great and amazing. It’s just that ego aspect of it that’s trying to weigh you down.
She says she always tells people that fear is an indication of that next level. You care and are so full of love that you want to do so much better…and that already means you’re doing an amazing job. That fear of failure is a confirmation you’re on the right path and you’re doing everything you can and that you’re so strong and so capable of doing things. It’s just a reminder of that.
Hopefully this is the start of an even bigger conversation or bigger acknowledgement and awareness of motherhood being hard and that’s normal and that you’re not alone in it!
To conclude this episode…
Another massive THANK YOU to Kristine for this important conversation on Honest Motherhood!
I hope that you enjoyed listening/watching/reading. If you have any questions or feedback, I would love to connect with you! Feel free to share a comment below, send me an email, or rate + review The Jordan Lang Podcast on iTunes.
Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for your love and support. I’m grateful for each of you listening and being here.
Sending you lots of love, xo
