Conscious Relationships with Cassandra Solano
The Jordan Lang Podcast: Episode 06
Welcome to Episode 6 of the Jordan Lang Podcast. We are continuing Season 1’s theme of emotional and mental wellness with today’s episode which is a conversation on Conscious Relationships with Cassandra Solano.
Cassandra is a Xicanx licensed clinical social worker in California and a conscious relationship coach. They have been counseling since 2006 in various settings from drug treatment to running a large mental health program serving the homeless and formerly incarcerated populations. They’ve been in private practice for over a year serving women and couples online all over the world to identify how their childhood trauma is impacting their adult relationships to get clarity and the love they want.
Cassandra is a sober parent of 3 plus one bonus kid, a survivor of childhood emotional abuse, domestic violence and is remarried after struggling for a decade in their first toxic marriage. They use a mind body spirit approach in helping their clients and enjoys integrating psychology, neuroscience and spirituality to help clients transform their lives.
Introduction
I am so grateful to be able to share this conversation with you! Cassandra and I have had many great conversations on motherhood and spirituality. I’ve learned so much from them and know that you will too!
Cassandra shares their correct pronouns are she/they (*edited on 6/10/21 as their correct pronouns are they/them/theirs*), and that they’re a licensed clinical social worker in California as well as a relationship coach working with folks all over the world. They work with those who are single and stuck who are not able to find a relationship, as well as those who are in long term relationships. In their work, they get down to root issues, teaching communication skills to help clients get the love they want.
They are a parent of 3 + a bonus child. Cassandra is remarried and they live in North Orange County in California — between Disney & the beach, but not the house on the cliffs.
When they’re not working, Cassandra loves watching Netflix with their husband and hiking. They’re also really into spirituality and woo woo stuff, so they’re always learning new things there too.
Q: What does it mean to have a conscious relationship?
Cassandra shares that it’s a relationship of two or more folks that are committed to their own personal development, self awareness and growth first and foremost. These are people who know that doing their own healing is important and being full in yourself so that you can bring fullness to your relationship.
I love this description!! Pretty much it’s being present in your relationship and realizing it’s not just about the other person who needs to do things, but we ourselves also have to work on ourselves and give ourselves what we need first before we expect that from anyone else.
They share that it’s also recognizing the relationship itself is its own kind of entity which both/all folks are nurturing and tending to and putting time, effort and energy into it. They give us an analogy:
Two people are running a business. One is showing up and putting in the hours and working hard, whereas the other only drops in when they want. It’s not going to work really well. Both folks need to be showing up everyday and putting in the work to make it work.
So a conscious relationships isn’t just up to one person, but everyone involved needs to make a commitment.
Q: What type of work do you provide as a Conscious Relationship Coach?
Cassandra’s work includes 1:1 offerings, group programs, and a monthly membership program. They provide a lot of education first and foremost. They share that we’re not taught how to have a healthy relationship.
“If I had one wish, it would be to teach about healthy relationships, communication skills, and attachment theory that we all have to take in that freshman health class.” - Cassandra Solano
As well as identifying red flags, how to get our needs met, how to handle conflict and then repair after conflict. We don’t get taught these things, so Cassandra’s work focuses first and foremost a lot of education.
They also provide connection and safe place we often have to be in to change. They’re a therapist by trade and trauma-informed, so Cassandra is always bringing in information on how our brain works and how we make change. We have to feel safe and connected to let go of some of those old survival patterns or adaptations. If you grew up in a home where you had to be defensive or wasn’t safe to show emotions, so you learned to hold in those emotions to stay safe, you’re going to have a hard time finding a healthy relationship repeating those patterns.
They helps their clients to identify a lot of those survival patterns, and start on a plan or program though somatic intervention, talk therapy or coaching, and taking action. To rewire the brain and the nervous system, we have to take small, but consistent targeted, strategic steps to change how we automatically react or respond.
I can personally identify with the importance of that education piece. I grew up in an Evangelical Christian household, so all family and friends were very much in that culture as well. So as I’ve pulled away from that lifestyle, culture, and beliefs, I had to rewire what does that mean for me and ask myself “what type of relationship do I want to have with my husband and how do we get there?” and it’s been a lot of unlearning. Things like “the husband as head of household who makes all final decisions,” “be quiet or submissive,” “self-care is selfish,” “a woman’s role is to be a mother first.” Those beliefs might be right for you, but aren’t right for me. I’ve have had to relearn so much, so that education piece has been vital with learning how to communicate my needs, wants and desires and knowing those things are OKAY.
I’ve learned so much from Cassandra and what they share, that often these lightbulbs go off!
Cassandra shares that having that trauma-informed lens is so important. These are ways that we’ve adapted or survived at some point. We don’t have to feel so ashamed or guilty or failing. There’s a reason why and you can make sense.
Q: Are there certain signs or struggles that your clients come to you with, or things that are “typical”?
Each client is of course going to be different, but Cassandra says that it’s usually one of two things: a person has been single for a long time and can’t find a relationship or are just out of another “failed” relationship with someone and wanting to break the cycle OR it’s someone in a long term relationship/marriage who’s unhappy and wondering if they should stay or go.
They share that the first thing to work on is to work on stress-management and nervous system regulation. Doing the inner work first.
“If we’re constantly living in the fight, flight, fawn or freeze mode, we’re not going to be able to learn how to change or respond differently.” - Cassandra Solano
You have to see what’s going on inside and stressing you out, then begin to set up boundaries, maybe step back from work, or whatever else it might be that you need.
I agree and have see that even in my own life, that’s so true. Just slowing down and asking what’s going on in your own life that you need to manage a little bit better?
Cassandra says too that maybe it’s not something that you can manage and you’ve just gotta let it go. If you can’t control it, work on accepting it and getting that clarity.
Q: Can anyone benefit from this type of work, or is it specifically for folks in a romantic relationship?
Cassandra says that they get this question a lot and that there are benefits to either situation. If their client is single, they may have the time and energy to focus on only themselves and reflect back on past experiences and patterns and begin to practice conscious communication skills with their family or friends. If their client is currently in a relationship, they’re able to begin applying things in real time and begin getting that feedback right away because they’re in the relationship.
The truth is, relationships are there to trigger us and to trigger our childhood wounds. There’s a saying that “we are hurt in relationships and heal in relationships.” What are my wounds, old survival patterns, old stories, then when you’re in a relationship and you’re triggered, how can I use that as an opportunity to respond differently, to set a boundary, to take up space, to care for my inner child; that’s where the real healing happens is in the action. People will say that they’ve read all the things, and know what they need to do, but in the moment they yell, people please, etc. That shows just having head knowledge isn’t all of it, we need to have embodied experience in taking the actions.
I shared with them about a situation I had had the day before. I was in my Luteal Phase of my cycle where I am really ragey and getting triggered by all the little things. When that happens, I turn into someone who’s victimizing and bitter, and then tend to blame my husband for not being what I need him to be. Even though I KNOW all of this, I slowly have begun bringing in the embodiment piece with slowing the eff down so I’m not reactive but able to process everything. I’ll literally stop and say, “Okay inner child, let’s chat. What do you need right now. What are you not giving yourself that you’re expecting your partner to give you?”
So I just love that Cassandra’s created a safe space for folks to do their healing. In the past, my ragey moods would have gone on for days. Now, it’s not as long.
”The goal isn’t that you’re perfectly regulated or perfectly calm or perfectly anything 100% of the time. You’re human. It’s about recognizing and course correcting and bringing yourself back faster and faster as time goes on.” - Cassandra Solano
Cassandra shares that they love that process of first just pausing and says that they tells their clients that they may need to take an adult time out and go into the other room and be back in 10 minutes or go for a walk and be back in 20 minutes. They say that it’s important to also maintain safety to say where we’re going and how long we’ll be gone for. If we need to put ourselves in time out to regulate and once we shift our internal state into groundedness then you can tend to your inner child and see if your response is bigger than the situation you’re in.
Q: What are some of the benefits of Conscious Relationship Coaching? Short term? Long term?
Short term - very quickly decrease stress and anxiety levels. Cassandra shares that many of their clients are sometimes feeling overwhelm to the point of panic attacks or shutting down, so they’re able to pretty quickly identify the tools the client needs to not have to go so far down. They say that it’s like a snowball at top of the hill where it starts small and then gets larger and larger the more it rolls down, eventually turning into an avalanche. They teach their clients to learn how to internally monitor in a way that’s not overly obsessive or becoming neurotic. They help them to cultivate mindfulness or practices to help us check in with ourselves, more to stop the snowball before it gets too big and is rolling over us. That shifts over the course of a few months all of our relationships.
“We cannot change our partners. We’re focusing on US, and what we can control. Just by shifting our internal state where we’re not as reactive anymore and shifting how we’re showing up, it impacts all the relationships in our lives.” - Cassandra Solano
Cassandra goes on to say that the good news and bad news is you only have control over 50% of your relationship. We have to come back and just take care of our 50%. Sometimes we’re too worried about taking care of others that we’re not focusing on our own wants and needs -- self care, speaking up on boundaries, etc.
A person cannot change this internal state and how they’re communicating and engaging without it having a significant impact on the relationship. This doesn’t mean it’ll be easy, but it does change the dynamics in the household, family, meeting people, etc. in just a few months.
I really think that it’s so good that you can see those benefits so quickly. For myself, sometimes all I need is that time for myself to make a difference. Sometimes I just need a little bit of quiet and that’s okay. It makes all the difference and it impacts all relationships in your life. Nurturing yourself, taking that time impacts everything
Cassandra shares that they’re not an expert in Human Design or Astrology at all but they do look at that for their clients. They share that Human Design plays a part in your energy throughout the day or energetic capacity. As an extrovert, they love people and get energy from being around people. They’re realizing though that as a Capricorn Moon and born under a Waxing Gibbous moon phase that they really need that alone time. Growing up, they thought that was selfish.
Any type of work that you’re doing that isn’t bringing in the lens of the patriarchy, white supremacy, hustle and grind, out of control capitalistic culture that values business and your value is based on how much money you can make or how much you can produce - if that's not also a lens that you’re looking at yourself though it’s really important to. Maybe you’re just trying to be successful in the eyes of parents or society and you’re running yourself into the ground and too busy to date or neglecting your relationship. Cassandra says that it’s not just your own individual trauma and stuff to heal and work through, but it’s a lot of the broader systems and programming that we are all under the guise of in this whole system. They wanted to be sure to name that too and understand how that’s impacting your life.
Cassandra and I have chatted about this multiple times. We’re totally here for dismantling all of that shit. No more. We are reclaiming rest and all of the things. I’m glad that they brought that into the conversation as well.
I love too that they mentioned Human Design. I’m a Projector, so for me with reparenting myself, I bring that piece too. Not just how to parent my kids who are all different individually, but also in how I reparent myself.
Q: If you could give some advice to someone listening in right now who may be struggling in their relationships, what would it be?
Their advice would be both a strategy and an internal tip:
Strategy - Look at your life right now. Take an assessment of your current relationships, stressors, obligations, etc. Ask yourself where you need to pull back and reclaim your time, energy and mental space so you can get a clear picture on what's happening. By clearing some of the “stuff” out you’ll make space for…
Internal Tip - Cultivate a mindfulness process, slow down, pause, feel nurtured and soothed. Doing so will help things calm down so you can really see what’s what. Cassandra calls it your trauma map to see what’s really going on and what the root issues are.
They share that if you feel overwhelmed, stuck or not sure, slow down. And give yourself permission to take the time to journal, reflect, walk, do yoga, whatever it is that helps you to feel more grounded. Otherwise you’re going to be in toxic relationships wondering where the time went.
I love this advice for others! The answer’s already within us, we just have to slow down to allow it to come through.
To conclude this episode…
Another massive THANK YOU to Cassandra for this beautiful conversation on Conscious Relationships!
I hope that you enjoyed listening/watching/reading. If you have any questions or feedback, I would love to connect with you! Feel free to share a comment below, send me an email, or rate + review The Jordan Lang Podcast on iTunes.
Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for your love and support. I’m grateful for each of you listening and being here.
Sending you lots of love, xo
