when there is no “village”
The Jordan Lang Podcast: Episode 16
[Updated Introduction, Recorded 11/17/23]
Hello! If you are watching this, um... I'm a hot mess. If you're listening, I'm still a hot mess. You just can't see me. I first recorded this episode in, I believe, September of this year, and by the time this is airing, it will be December. And I specifically, even in the recording said, Oh, this is going to be coming out in October.
Oh, sweet Jordan from a couple months ago. We moved very quickly. Like physically moved houses. To be in the district where my kids now attend school, and it's just been kind of chaotic ever since. So I feel like the episode you're going to listen to, I just wanted to record a little message beforehand and just say that a lot of the tips that I share in here, I really had to put into place, because I don't have a consistent village, I guess I could say. Which, because I've been putting those things into place since September, I'm creating one. It's been really neat to look back and see where I've been receiving support. Being able to reflect back is always helpful, I think, in being able to be like, “Okay, I really am not as alone as I feel a lot of the time.”
So, all that to say, I just want to share, you're gonna hear me say it at least once, maybe twice, about it being October when this episode airs and all of that, and, you know, looking for a house, and we have since moved. This is always a reminder for myself to give myself just a little extra grace, a little extra love. So I'm sharing that with you as well.
Be gentle with yourself, especially this time of year. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, it is getting too cold and a little dreary and whatnot, but just know that I'm sending you so much love and I'm looking forward to being back consistently with posting or sharing videos - not videos necessarily if you don't watch them on YouTube - but my podcast episodes with you I've got lots of really great ideas and lots of things that I want to share.
So thank you for being here and I'm just sending you so much love
Hello and welcome back to the Jordan Lang Podcast. I'm so glad you're here. You may be wondering where the heck I have been. It’s been several months since my last episode and I was all excited because I was like, hey, I'm starting a new season, a new process. I'm going to get a little bit more real and share different aspects of my life and all of the things. And then shit kind of hit the fan in my family and personal life, and so here we are now.
By the time this episode comes out, it's going to be October. So, it's been some time. I'm excited to be here with you again and kind of share where I've been and get on with this sharing the information for this episode, which I've titled: When There Is No Village. Which actually, ironically enough, this was the episode that I had coming out in the Spring, and then, you know, things kind of happened fast, but I'm excited to dive into it and share what I've learned and some tips that have helped me.
But first let's go ahead and do an intuitive card pull in this space…
Intuitive Card Pull + Message
I'm using Denise Lin's Sacred Traveler Oracle cards. I am still working on my own deck, which I'm super excited about. Make sure you follow me on Instagram, and really Instagram is like the place where I most often share my updates and my new cards and stuff like that. So make sure you hop on there to get a sneak peek kind of behind the scenes of what I'm working on. But, in the meantime, I want to share from this deck.
The card that came through is:
Message:
I don't know about you, but I'm definitely the type of person who needs a lot of quiet and rest. And as a mom of three kiddos, and just in life sometimes craziness happens, I don't always get that rest. This is a reminder to kind of make time for rest. I know that's one of my things when I don't have that rest and that quiet and that time for myself, I start projecting that onto other people. So I'm more quick to be resentful toward Brian or my kids, because they're not doing enough, but really when I sit with what I'm missing, it's that I'm not taking that time for myself or making that time for myself.
So let's read the description in case there's something else that comes through for you as you're listening or watching…
So I hope that was an encouragement to you. It definitely is to me. Most of the messages that I share with you all here in this space and my socials and my 60 days of intuitive messages that I share, it's all stuff that I need to hear too. So please know that I'm never gonna be like preachy with you. All of this stuff is stuff I need to hear too. So I hope it was an encouragement for you.
All right, so diving into this episode: Episode 16, When There's No Village.
First, I want to start by sharing with you where I've been. There's been a lot going on with my family, and they're not my stories to share, so I'm not going to go into detail, but I had to put the podcast on the back burner just to focus on my mental health and well being as I was in this caregiver role. I had to put a lot more than just the podcast on the back burner to be totally honest, but that was one of the main things I was like, “Where can I create a bit more space in my life for the things that I need?” and the podcast was one of those things.
I also am in the process of transitioning from my part time office job into going back to doing my own thing. Right now I'm not exactly sure what that looks like. I have some ideas, but anytime I'm trying to brainstorm, I keep getting the message to rest and to trust. Those are two things that I'm not that great at. I want to know what to be doing. I want to know where to put my focus and my energy and my time, and I just keep getting this resounding message to rest and to trust. So I'm doing my best to do both of those things.
Like I said back several months ago -it's the end of April when this episode was supposed to come out - I actually had initially recorded it. It was recorded. The blog post was written. It was ready to go. Then there were some emergency situations that came up and so it didn't get released.
So I really want to chat about the very, very real aspect for many parents that I know, and it's having no village to help you raise your family.
So this episode I am going to be primarily speaking from the perspective of a mother, because I am a mother, but this is applicable to fathers, parents in general. If you don't identify as male or female. You know, really, this is for anybody, any sort of caregiver, even if you're not a parent, but you care for a family member, or a child or a loved one or whoever it might be. I hope that this episode is an encouragement to you and that you find that you're not alone in this experience, but it is a very, very real thing.
I see it a lot on TikTok. I see it a lot in different spaces that I'm in on social media and in general in conversations that I have with other parents is, you know, they tell us “it takes a village,” but where the hell is this village? Like, where is it? Not all of us are privileged enough to have these villages because it is a privilege. If you have support. That's amazing, and please know that you are blessed. That doesn't mean that you don't sometimes feel that you don't have your village. I'm not saying that at all. I'm speaking more to those who on a day to day basis really don't have support.
So to share a little bit about my background as a parent: I was 22 when I had my oldest. I was still a baby myself. I was a child. I mean, sure, 22 is an adult, but let's be honest, Millennials at 22 are not adults yet.
So it's almost like I was growing up as I was becoming a parent. So at age 22, I had my first child, and my parents were very supportive and very helpful, and I'm incredibly grateful for the support that they provided, and I was very, very blessed to have my parents there to help support.
I was 30 when I had my last child; he is seven now. So 22 with my oldest, 25 with my middle, and then 30 with my youngest. My parents were still very helpful and doing as much as they could to help with watching the kids or being there for things that I needed to make sure I had my time to myself and all of those things.
And then when I was 31, before my youngest turned 1, we moved to Utah. From Ohio, USA to Utah, USA, and that's when things began to change.
So my current reality…I'm lonely, a lot. A lot, a lot. Because of certain boundaries that we have put into place, it does cause there to be little to no family connection and support.
All that to say... You can recognize that you've put boundaries into place - speaking from personal experience, I put boundaries into place and I can still acknowledge that I'm lonely and feel unsupported. Even if it's, I don't want to say self-inflicted, but even if it's due to choices that I personally and my family have personally made, I can still grieve the loss of support. Even if I know that if those boundaries weren't there, would I have a bit more support? Probably. Is it going to be beneficial for me and my family in the long run? No. So I can recognize that part of where I'm at right now is due to boundaries that we have in place.
So I really had to sit with my reality, especially when we had the family emergencies come up the end of April into May, and really throughout all of the summer and into even the beginning of the school year, I really had to sit with what I need support-wise, what I'm open to support-wise, and really just begin to call it in. Because this isn't it. I'm already burnt out. I'm already at the point of exhaustion, crying most days just because I'm overwhelmed and I'm burnt out. This isn't sustainable. It wasn't sustainable back in April, May, and it certainly isn't now.
And my go to when I'm out of alignment, when I'm not focused on my self-care is resentment and martyrdom, playing the victim, basically. And that's not who I want to be. I want to be empowered and I want to know that I have choices in life, that things don't happen to me, that I choose who I am and who I present as every day. Obviously I can't control everything, right? Like, we can't control everything that happens to us, but we can always choose our reaction to things. And when I'm out of alignment, I'm reactive. I'm not in a space to consciously choose anything.
So I had to really get honest with myself of what does that look like? What does that look like? And what do I want it to look like? And again, when am I open to? Because with having those boundaries in place, there are some relationships and support I'm not open to just because I know it's not truly beneficial and supportive for me.
So, with that being said, I want to share about five things that help support me, have supported me over the last, what is that, five or six months, and things that I know to be helpful when you don't have a village for support.
Five Things That Are Helping To Support Me While I Search For My Village:
1. Therapy — The first thing is therapy. I am of the belief that everyone, everyone can benefit from therapy. I'm not talking about a life coach, which life coaches are great; that's not what I'm talking about with this specifically for therapy. I'm not talking about going and talking to your pastor. While those people can be supportive, what I'm talking about is a licensed clinical therapist. Somebody who is specifically trained to help support in areas of trauma and burnout and know what to look for with regard to anxiety, depression, other mental health things because this is very serious. Mental health is very, very serious, so make sure if you're going to therapy, it's a licensed clinician, somebody who is specifically trained and receives ongoing training to help support you.
And I understand because I'm in this position too. Unfortunately in the United States, health insurance is not great - with high deductibles and things of that nature. If you have coverage, I do encourage you to go. If you don't, look for those who maybe do a sliding scale or that kind of thing. I know several different offices, at least in my area in Ohio here, who do offer sliding scale payment plans. As much as you're able to, even if it's once a month, I encourage you to receive support through therapy.
2. Regular connection with friends – The next is regular connection with friends. This is one that for me as a 37 year old adult, I struggle with making friends. I think some of it is my upbringing. Some of it…I'm trying to work through why that is why at least until recently, I've struggled with making friendships and it can be difficult.
So, do your best to reach out to, even if it's just one person, two people, regular connection with friends because I think it's that isolation, that feeling that you're alone in what you're experiencing. So that regular connection with friends helps you to not feel so alone. It helps you to not be so isolated and in your head and in your feels. It helps to get you interacting with other adults and not just with the kids. Just having that connection is really, really powerful.
So whether it is virtual friends, which I have a lot of, and I try to connect with my friends at least once a month or every other month. Several live out of the country or out of state, so it isn't always possible for me to get physically connected with them. But I have reconnected with some friends just in the last month or so and it's been phenomenal and it's been really helpful. So I encourage you to just regularly connect with friends and people who can help support you and uplift you.
3. Prioritizing your needs and making time for YOU – The next is prioritizing your needs and making time for you, and I'm speaking to myself here, again, because I often struggle with finding my identity outside of being a mom, and I've had to tap back into: what is it that I enjoy? What do I enjoy doing? And not just as a dissociation thing. Like reading. I love to read, but I also dissociate a lot through reading. So, it's finding those things, and dissociation isn't bad. We need it sometimes but it's making sure that that's not all that it is and doing things because I enjoy them too.
There have been different things that have been popping up for me, singing, art, and crafts. Again, going for walks and hikes and things like that. Prioritizing myself, even if it's just 15 to 30 minutes a day, it's so necessary to be able to take that space and reconnect to myself and prioritize myself. Because a lot of times as moms, as caregivers, we have to put other people first, right? But it's so important that we fill our cup first, so we don't burn out. So we have enough to give to other people, and that's something that a lot of us don't do.
So when you're still waiting for your village, or looking to create your village, or in that in-between time, really make time for yourself so you're able to keep going. Make time for you, okay? You're worth it.
4. Reaching out to a mentor/guide – And the fourth is reaching out to a mentor or guide. So this is different from therapy. This is where,I said, when you're talking about therapy or looking for clinical support, go to a licensed clinician, right? That's therapy. Reaching out to a mentor or guide is a great way to just receive that support from someone you know and trust.
If it is your pastor, go to your pastor. If it's a coach or a mentor, somebody who can provide that spiritual support for you or that just additional guiding hand. Someone to say like, “you're not crazy. You're not alone.” or “Maybe try this or this,” and it might be helpful for you. Somebody who can provide that support in a very loving and caring way. So reaching out to a mentor guide is really helpful.
5. Being open to receive support – And then the fifth thing that has really supported me is being open to receiving support. I think this is probably like the number one thing. I know I put it as number five on this list, but it's probably been the most impactful because in doing so, in being open to receive support, I've realized that there have been people all along who have been there and available and willing to help. I just wasn’t open to receiving that help.
I think some of it is just our family being very protective, introverted, not wanting to share everything all at once with everyone. Brian and I are very protective of our experiences and of each other and our kids and everything else. So we're not quick to put all of our laundry out there. I don't want to say “dirty laundry” because it's not. It's just life experiences, right? But we're not just showing it to everyone and sharing it with everyone, especially if we don't know and trust them. All that to say, there are those that we know and trust who are available and willing to help us.
So I think for me, I've had several aha moments and conversations where I'm like, “Oh yeah, you do love us. You are here to support us and help us. I'm not a burden for asking for help.” But I'm getting emotional thinking about that because there's that mom guilt and that thought of like, “I can do it all myself,” and the reality is that I can't. I can't do it all myself and we're not made to do it all ourselves. We are made to receive support and encouragement and love from other people, and we're not made to do it all alone. So be open to receiving that love and that support from others because there are those in your life right now who are willing to step in and help however you need them to.
So all right, so. All that to say, when there is no village and you're calling it in, you're ready, you're open, you're taking those steps to create your village - just know that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to need that help and that support because honestly, in this crazy world that we are in right now, it is impossible to do this alone. We're not made for it. We're not made for it. It's impossible to do this alone, and your village is waiting. It's ready. The Universe is putting it together for you and you're calling it in. Just be open to receiving it.
But know that it's okay to not be okay. Truly. Truly, you don't have to have it all together. I certainly don't. I don't have, like, any of it together, to be honest. I'm just winging it. I tell our oldest that all the time. I'm like, “This is the first time I've been a mom to a 14 year old. I'm gonna mess up because I have no idea what I'm doing.” So it's okay to not be okay.
The next is, if you don't have a village, be open to making one. I feel like I've said that a couple of times, maybe not quite so directly, but for me, again, my default is when I'm overwhelmed and stressed - which is almost all the time now - but I'm not making time for me, is to be resentful and a victim. And so often I'm like, “This is just so hard. I wish I had support. I wish I had this.” And it's like, okay, are you open to that, Jordan? Are you open to it? Or do you just want to complain about it? So I really had to begin making that shift out of, “I wish I had that” into, “I'm creating this.” So be open to receiving it. Be open to making it.
And lastly, I just want to share that you're doing an amazing job. Moms, parents, caregivers, we don't get enough credit. We really, really don't. This shit is hard. It's hard and society is not made to support us. So let's begin supporting one another and knowing that we are already doing an amazing, amazing job, and we're not made to do it alone. That's the thing. We're not made to do it alone. Be open to receiving your village.
I'm here. If you want to vent, if you want to talk, if you want a little bit of support, if you want to be seen - I'm happy to connect with you. DM me on Instagram at @therealjordanlang, send me an email at therealjordanlang@gmail.com. I am here to just recognize you and see you because it's very isolating and it's very lonely and I often feel unseen and unloved and if I can help support you in any way I would love to encourage you in that.
So thank you for being here. Thank you for just joining me on this crazy journey. I am hoping to be more consistent with these episodes and in this space…hopefully. I don't want to say like, yes, for sure just because life often throws curveballs my way and my guides are like, “buckle up. Here we go. It's time again for some growth.” So I'm sending you so much love. Again, thank you for being here and you're doing an amazing job. Thinking of you🖤
