setting boundaries during the holidays
The Jordan Lang Podcast: Episode 17
Hi, and welcome back to the Jordan Lang Podcast. I am so, so grateful that you are here connecting with me in this space, and I can't wait to share today's episode with you. Before we dive in, let's go ahead and pull a card for today.
Intuitive Card Pull + Message
I am pulling from Denise Lin's Sacred Traveler Oracle Cards. We've got two that wanted to come through today. They're both fantastic cards. I love them both.
Message:
I feel like any time Wise Leader comes in to play for me - I always feel like these messages are for me too - anytime Wise Leader comes in, it's usually at a time when I'm doubting my gifts or my calling, my purpose in this lifetime. So it's just that reminder to be strong and to continue forward, because whether you recognize it or not, you are a leader for someone else. You're a beacon for someone else. Whether that is a co-worker or a family member. If you're a parent, maybe it's your kiddo who is looking to you for wisdom and guidance and strength. So keep going, keep persevering, because you are a beacon for somebody else, for others.
I just think the description is so beautiful. So maybe if you are questioning yourself, this is your sign to take that step, just take that first step, dive in and become closer to the person you're meant to be, the person you are inside, but reflect that outwardly.
Then with Uncovering Treasure, I love this dinosaur, not dinosaur, it's a dragon. The image always reminds me of Smaug in The Hobbit. I love Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. The image is the dragon encircling a pot of gold with his tail, and beneath the surface lies great bounty. Oftentimes we take a look to see surface level things, but sometimes we need to look a little bit deeper to see the true beauty and the true abundance that comes from that.
I know I shared that in the last episode with regard to creating a village. The help was there all along, I just wasn't open to receiving it. So know that you're worthy of the abundance and the bounty that is in your life.
So let's chat about this episode's topic. It is Setting Boundaries During The Holidays. You may be wondering, “why are you sharing this specific thing?” I did ghostwriting for the maternal mental health therapy office that I'm a Social Media Manager and Marketing Manager for, and as I was doing the research and putting it all together for this therapy office I really felt like it would be a good episode to share with you during this time of year. Because I know for myself personally, I can always use a little bit better boundary setting, and just revisiting it this time of year is really good too because there's a lot more family get-togethers and social outings and things of that nature. So it's just a great time to revisit it.
If you're great with your boundaries, you can listen if you want or just come back next time there's a new episode or maybe you're struggling and you would like to learn just a little bit more on how to create or set boundaries during the holidays specifically.
What are boundaries?
So first of all, what are boundaries? I feel like it can be a hot topic, especially in the mental health spaces of things. People can use boundaries as a way to avoid conflict, and that's not what this is about; that's not what I want to share about here. So I first want to share with you what boundaries are.
I'm a researcher by nature, I'm all about researching and putting things into practice myself. I'm a 1/3 Projector, so if you know anything about Human Design, you'll know what that means. So you'll know, “Oh yeah, of course she's researching things!”
So I want to share with you what I found just regarding what boundaries are.
(Sources are shared through connected hyperlinks; simply click on the name of the organization mentioned and it will bring you to the article.)
From Very Well Health, I'm going to read what they have regarding boundaries:
Boundaries protect a person's personal or mental space, like fences that give neighbors privacy and help them feel safe. Boundaries are the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behavior between people. They help define where one person ends and another begins. People often learn boundaries during childhood within their families, but not always.
Research has shown that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person is able to develop into a distinct person with their own unique interests and skills. Having healthy boundaries gives them a sense of well-being, self-control, and self-esteem throughout their life. If people do not have the chance to learn how to set healthy boundaries as children, it can cause challenges for them as adults
If you are a Millennial or Gen X with no healthy boundaries, raise your hand, because that is me. 1000%. That is me.
This is from the University of Illinois, Chicago Wellness Center:
What are boundaries?
An invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual. Boundaries can be physical (e.g., do not touch me) or emotional (do not lie to me). Boundaries can also be based on time or space (e.g., when I do X, Y or Z, please respect my time and understand I will not be able to speak/ hang out with you until X, Y, or Z is completed.)
Just to insert an observation here, I love that they give specific examples in there and that there are different types of boundaries as well. With the research that I was doing, I'm like, “Oh, that makes total sense. Why didn't I think of that?” When you think of boundaries, a lot of times, for me at least, it's emotional and mental, but there's so many other boundaries in there too, which I thought was great.
So to continue…
Why do we need healthy boundaries?
Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. It helps to create a clear guideline/rule/limits of how you would like to be treated. They let others know what is and what is not okay/acceptable. It honors our needs and wants so that we feel respected and safe. As students, boundaries also help to avoid burnout, stress, and anxiety. It can also help prevent financial and emotional burdens.
I also feel that kind of applies to anybody, but I love that they specifically address that for students.
Other sites reviewed:
Good Therapy
WebMD
So to summarize based on those two things, boundaries are individualized for each person, meaning no one boundary is the same for each person, and it's personalized based on each person's need, because we're all different, we all have different needs, so boundaries are going to look different for each individual person. It's a form of self care and is necessary for cultivating healthy relationships, both with ourselves and with others. That was something that stuck out to me, that it's a form of self care.
It sounds simple. Why do we struggle setting boundaries?
Reading that and summarizing iit sounds simple, right? Like, “Oh, just create this healthy boundary.” But for those of us who weren't taught to create healthy boundaries, it's not something we grew up with, it can be hard, right? Why do we have trouble with them?
So, I'll speak for me and I know there are others that I've spoken with who kind of resonate with these things as well, but a lot of times when I've tried to create a healthy boundary or that kind of thing, people will say, “They're your family. They're your mom/sister/dad/aunt/uncle.” So you do have this sense of, “Well, it's family.” Those boundaries are blurred, or we just don't have boundaries because, “family,” right? It can be really hard to set those boundaries, especially if it's not something that you grew up with; at the same time, it's really necessary as a form of self care and for you to feel safe in all aspects - mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. It's really important to put that “because it's family” message aside and focus on yourself and be like, “what do I need?”
Coupling with that, why is it hard? Because of guilt. It's so insanely hard to let that guilt go, especially if you're a people pleaser. Me. Hello. Hi, I'm Jordan and I'm a people pleaser. It can be hard to let that guilt go because you don't want to let anybody down. You want to make everyone happy and if you're setting boundaries for yourself, other people might be upset. And to let go of that guilt sometimes is really hard.
Then the third, at least for me, is wanting to give our children (if you’re a parent) that familial experience with extended family. It can be hard to set those boundaries because you want your kids to have the best experiences, especially during the holidays, right? You don't want them to miss out on a potential good time with family because of a boundary that you set in place. It's that FOMO for your kids. It can be really hard to have those boundaries in place if you're wanting to give them the very best childhood experiences, especially during the holidays. It can be really hard to set those personal boundaries because of you wanting to give your kids that.
We know what boundaries are and we know why it's hard to set them, but I want to share with you four steps, they kind of build on each other, that will allow you to at least begin the process of creating healthy boundaries with your families during this holiday season.
As always, take what resonates, leave the rest. I don't want you to feel like this is The final word on boundary setting. I'm not a therapist. I'm not a licensed clinician. This is just based on my own personal experience and my own research. If you are struggling with this and you need additional support, please reach out to a licensed clinician or a licensed therapist for further support on this, and in helping you to implement it in your day to day life and in your relationships.
So these are four tips for setting boundaries with your family during the holidays. Like I said, they kind of build on each other.
Four Tips For Setting Boundaries During The Holidays:
1. Get clear on what you want the holidays to look like — Communicate with your partner, if you have one, or individually get clear on what you want the holidays to look like for you. If you have a partner, it's important to bring them into the conversation; get out what's in your mind, and communicate that with them, and in return, ask them what they want to do. If you don't have a partner, and you're working to set these boundaries, get clear on what it is that you want the holiday season to look like for yourself.
It's really important that you put aside the “self care is selfish” rhetoric and really just take this time to focus on what do you want this holiday season to look like? How do you want to feel? What do you have the energy for? If you're working a 9 to 5 Monday through Friday, do you have the energy to go out four nights of the week and every weekend night or day? What do you have the energy for, the capacity for? And just get really clear with yourself and with your partner to figure out what you're open to and what you want it to look like. Maybe you're just doing one thing during the week and then one thing on the weekend, and that's it. Maybe there's some gray areas there, but for the most part, that's what you have the energy for.
Especially if you have kids, it's taking into consideration, depending on your kid's ages, nap times. What do their nap times look like? Do they have a set schedule with regard to eating, and when they're napping, and everything else? Because I can tell you what, when my kids were younger, they did not do well without naps! They're all older now, so they don't take naps anymore, but still, if it's five nights out of the week doing something, they're going to be exhausted and potentially cranky. I personally don't have the energy for that either. So I would be exhausted and cranky.
So that's number one, just really getting clear and communicating with your partner what you're open to and what you want the holidays to look like.
2. Identifying traditions and getting them on the calendar – Next is to identify what your family/personal traditions are, then make these a priority and get them scheduled. So, when do you decorate for the holidays? This is coming out at the beginning of December, so most of you have probably already decorated for the holidays, for Christmas, for Yule, for Hanukkah…any other special celebration that you observe or partake in. You probably have already decorated for those. I know a lot of people, their tradition is the day after Thanksgiving, they set up their tree or sometimes it's even like Christmas Eve, that's their time to decorate, which is wild to me. I couldn't imagine putting up the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, but that's just me!
Is it…
Baking holiday cookies
Going Christmas caroling
Having family movie night in PJs
Elf on the Shelf
What are your family and personal holiday traditions? Get those on the calendar. Get those scheduled. Those are your non-negotiables. Those are your, “It doesn't matter. If somebody else asks me to do something, those are already set in stone. Those are our family traditions, and that is what we're doing.” And stand firm on those.
They can be as grand as you would like, or as simple as just, like I mentioned, a family movie night and Christmas PJs, watching a Christmas movie and drinking hot chocolate. I will say that a lot of times, these family or personal traditions, if you have kids, these are the things that your kids most look forward to and are most meaningful, so really make them a priority with getting these scheduled and have them be your non-negotiables so that you can create those memories and those moments with your kids and just to be fully present with them in those moments.
3. Communicate your boundaries with extended family – This is coming out at the beginning of December, so maybe you've already agreed to some things, but, um, if you haven't, or even still, you can still communicate with your family members, with your extended family on these things. Communicate with them about holiday plans. Let them know what you're open to and what yours and your family's needs are. And then ask them to communicate what their expectations are. Do they expect you, you know, do you have family coming in from out of town and your parents expect you to be staying with them at your family home and you're to spend every waking moment with them? You got to communicate that with them and figure out what their expectations are.
And if there are conflicts with your boundaries, whether it be you already have something on the calendar for two nights out of the week, and they want you to be there for a third, maybe you guys can brainstorm and figure out a way to compromise to where your boundaries aren't totally crossed and also their expectations are being met to. See if you can meet in the middle somehow there, just to achieve the next best outcome. It's not going to be what either of you totally want, but the more clear and specific you are with your communication, the less opportunity there will be for hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and confusion.
It's really important. That's a big one for me. I struggle big time. With communication. Um, I'm not a person who likes conflict or direct confrontation. Not at all. If that goes back to being a people pleaser, I think. And also I have this weird thing where I think that people can read my mind if I just ignore it - which let me tell you, that doesn't work. So I really struggle with this, but I will say that I have never been disappointed in the outcome when I've clearly shared my boundaries with other people.
I've never been disappointed with the outcome because I personally feel a sense of relief at Not necessarily standing up for myself, but in a way, standing up for myself in regard to what my needs are and verbalizing those, vocalizing those, and just being very clear about it. And also, it gives the other person the opportunity to share their side and to share their perspective so that you can learn more.
It's all about self-revelations and learning, and I'm constantly learning about myself, different things that I do or don't do that, I can see how it's taken the wrong way by others, um, again, because I just assume that people can read my mind, rather than me just directly share what I'm thinking and feeling.
So, that third step is really important in getting clear with your communication and sharing that with other people.
4. Practice saying “no”– You don't have to compromise when your schedule is already jam packed, or you're being asked to overstep a boundary that you're not comfortable with and that you've already put in place, right? Because you already decided it. Step number one - you already decided what you're here for. So, practice saying “no.”
Again, for those who are people pleasers, please listen, because this is for you and for me: It's okay to say “no” to others. Your peace and your mental health, your ability to feel safe and secure, and fully YOU during this holiday season, is so important. It is truly so important. So don't allow your people pleasing ways, your guilt, your wanting to create the best experience for your kids…don't allow those things to get in the way of your mental health and well being. Practice saying “no.” It's okay. It's okay to say no. It truly is.
I’m always talking to myself too. Even if no one else listens to these episodes, I'm like, “Yep, preaching to myself here.” It's always something that I need to hear as well.
So those are the four steps. Sit with this a bit. It may feel uncomfy. You may be like, “I don't like this. I'm gonna put this aside and just ignore it. I'm gonna dissociate from these feelings,” and again, I've been there. I have to regularly pull myself out of ignoring it and dissociating from uncomfortable feelings. Especially if you're used to doing what others expect of you, and you regularly put your feelings and emotions aside, I encourage you to sit with this.
What would it look like for you to set boundaries during the holidays? What would that look like for you? How would it feel? I know anytime I set a boundary, like, I feel so empowered and like, “Hell yeah! I just did this for me!” It's like a small win or a big win, depending on how how hard it is for you to set a boundary.
Where are you struggling with setting boundaries? Which step of the way are you struggling with it? Do you not know what you want your boundaries to be? Again, work with a licensed clinician and see if you can map that out and what it looks like. Self-awareness is really important. It's a big piece of it, and if you're not in a space or haven't been in this space where you really sit with what you want your life to look like and what you want the holidays to look like, it can be a little tough. So where are you struggling with setting boundaries?
If you've already done this for a while, maybe you grew up with parents who taught you to have healthy boundaries - If so what is that like?? - but maybe you've been doing this for a while, or maybe you have for the first time. How has it impacted your life?
I was chatting with a girlfriend a couple weeks ago and she was sharing with me how she had done this; how she had spoken with her partner and was like, “This is what we’re doing. I have family coming into town. So Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, those are set aside. We're doing this.” And he was like, “Okay, great. Let's do it.” It was really the first time that she had done it and I just remember I could feel her energy, and she was so empowered for having done this.
It's such a powerful way to show yourself love and care, to make yourself a priority during the holidays. What a wonderful example for your children to do this. It's cycle-breaking and it's a beautiful way to share with your kids and your families and your loved ones how to put themselves first, too. It goes back to that Wise Leader card, right? You are a beacon for others. What a beautiful way to share how to love yourself through setting boundaries during the holidays. Full circle moment!
Thank you so much for joining me for this episode on setting boundaries during the holidays. I would love to continue this conversation. Find me on social media at @therealjordanlang on Instagram and TikTok, or send me an email at therealjordanlang@gmail.com. I would love to connect with you to hear your thoughts about this episode, and to continue the conversation. I'm thinking of you as we enter this holiday season and last chapter of 2023. Sending you so much love🖤
